Headstuck and Heartstuck <~3

Bad times come in any form and I’ve been under quite some stress for the last 6 months.
I spend my life around 3-6 hours on the road nowadays, receive a lot of arguments and work load from 3 superiors at office. It turned out to be stressful enough for me. It’s been piled up in a very non-condusive situation and non-healthy environment too.
It’s nearly 5 years I’ve been out of comfort zone. I moved out to other city all by myself, have been working as an analyst & consultant in a software company and I kinda hate the job for a while now.

Some people said to me without even understanding the real difficulties in my workfield, “Don’t get easily stressed Evy!”
But the thing is.. I got tired of things I used to love. I mulled over again when this happened.

I know what I want in the next several years but now I’m not sure if this is what I actually want.
There were a few times too when my (old) back pain got worsen due to lack of rest (and yoga) this year. It’s damn painful when the pain strucked suddenly while I can only squeak in silent tears, looking for my pain killer drug in my bag. Low back muscle spasm I had last year turned out to heal very slowly (esp when i only have little time to exercise and having insufficiency of vitamin D3 all this time) and it DOES decrease my focus & concentration in many ways. Some people around me failed to understand that.

In short, this consulting job is draining me slowly and making me more unaware of myself. I get cranky, i get tired easily and I know that I’m going under (emotionally).

I lost interest and i got anxious. I’m having both headstuck and heartstuck in many aspects in life, including love life matter too. I made myself dull on purpose.

Should love make any sense during the dynamic of uncertainty, I wonder? In practical ways, yes it should. But in soul realm, it should not.

Anyway.. Last week was my lowest point.
I came home like a lost puppy on rainy day. Aching and sad.
I opened the door and… oh well, I found my healer resting at home with her grumpy style when she saw me got thinner than the last time we met.

I stopped suffocating at the moment I saw her. I breathed deeply.
She did notice something happen IN me though.
I’m normally ignorant but I have tendency to put things too much on myself in “several cases”.
I can’t help it. It’s just there, entrapped as ever. A closed box without a key. And as usual, she simply cracked me again with no key (or lockpicking me? )

I laid down by her side and said, “Hey Mom.”
Then she put her hand upon my forehead and said, “It’s alright. Now talk.”
She strayed away from conversation at times though (which irritated me since yearsssssss), but it’s okay.
And poof, I only need her hand upon my forehead for 30 minutes to wash away all these messed up feelings. I just miss my mother’s physical touch after all. I long for it. I regain my inner peace at once.

No matter how much you want some certain person in your life, the fact is God only put the people you need first instead of the people you want.

It’s been in the back of my mind too, what if she’s no longer to be around?
What should I do to heal without her help? Without her as my liberation of the heart? Without anyone’s help?
It just takes time to heal yourself, no?

Well.. Apart from all kinds of love that exist (parent’s love, spouse’s love, friend’s love etc)..
The best love is the kind that awakens the soul,
That makes us reach for more,
That plants the fire in our hearts,
And brings peace to our minds.

That’s what I hope forever.


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