Catching Sunshine

One way or another, being a highly energy sensitive person has been a double edge sword in my whole life. I may not be prone on explaining too much on this part but one thing for sure, a constant influx of external energy from one’s environment or one certain dear person can be overwhelming in prolong period of time.

That is merely because being a natural empaths also means you are able to feel the full spectrum of human emotion whilst get spiritually attuned and may absorb other people’s emotion like a sponge intensely, including a kind of “angst-sucking sponges”, plus when you see visionary things some people just don’t..  And when you ‘receive’ plus ‘got squished’ too much, then you are at the edge of your balance. Beep beep…That’s when my alarm get loud though. Errr~

When you habitually invalidate or turn off a part of yourself like this, it eventually just shuts down. It’s not gone forever. But it goes dormant, remains undeveloped and more likely to be a life challenge in your next round.

Some people who selfishly (or proudly) claim themselves as intelligent people may not understand this deep or well enough especially those with closed inner eye who still have untreated past bitterness plus their closed logic to value and judge things around (whether it is relying on too many depressive quotes through google and many famous writings, well.. well.. well..)

(ZZzzzzzzz..Feeling meehhhh~)

On some levels, I just happened to categorize this year as one of the most suffering year due to a lot of problems (I explained one of the illustrations in my previous post, Collectively Coherent). But during my hardship this year, I have two intriguing dear friend who voluntarily escort me through some calming periods without them noticing how deeply it infused me. Muehehehhehhehe…. :* (kiss kiss to you)

And for that, I must thank God even more other than paying my personal gratitude to them.

The immune girl

One is a girl whom I have known since senior high school. We never talk much back then. We are both bookworms who lend novels to each other once in a while, got lost in touch for a few years until one day I found her at my office lobby preparing herself to come in for an interview.

It’s been 6 years since that day… 😀 I must say it’s been enjoyable to have a long-time friend who is equally stubborn, equally spiritual, equally intellectual and equally argumentative over the years yet still find ways to complement each other. Be it bodo-bodo conversation about guys or about financial world and business analytics approach using McKinsey matrix.

Even in times of difficulties you do need a friend by your side, not to suffer together of course, not someone who selfishly state or think on how beneficial a friend should be in life when he/she is currently in trouble… but someone who is already on the same page as you are, that you may not need too much explanation between each other whilst you are not currently in an open talk situation.

To some awe of it, I received an email from her this July, contained e-ticket to Mataram Lombok that she insisted to me, “Don’t be fussy on how to pay me back for now.. Just join me over here.. ”

There I went on an unexpected vacation, packed my thing, cancelled some sudden invitations to other country too at that time.

And this one is my favorite picture while I was in Gili Lombok :


Apapula lah tujuan poseku ini di bawah plang ayunan Wanderlands?

Haha… Setidaknya untuk melepas sebongkah isi hati yang merindu kepada laut…

Untuk melepas keputusasaan kepada semesta dan terlebih lagi, untuk berjumpa dengan Sang Khalik dalam bentukNya yg lain. 😀

And one thing after another, I remembered again that we travel once in a while not to escape life but for life not to escape us. Well… Deep conversations with the right people are just….Priceless.

The tumultuous girl

Another one is a girl whom I have known since junior high school who constantly look for me in her possible ways even from America. She’s been a lovely person except that she is currently desperate along with her slight ADHD that never cease to annoy me every time she try to communicate through texting (me almost got mad so many times).

Apparently she constantly feels not fit in Indonesia (her own homeland) despite the fact that she’s been falsely proud for having education in USA for years which leads to her self-dispute. For all the things I empathize from her gray view, she’s just currently desperate on so many misevaluations to her low self-acceptance in social health situation.

As to my awe, I get calmer the more I understand on how to handle this little SOS friend. Nothing beats the talk about guys every time I listen to her dramatic story about FALLING IN LOVE with the wrong person over and over, changing one boyfriend to other boys instead of waiting for the right guy.

I have stopped telling her through advice sentences since I’m more agreeable on supervising her in every bit detail she needs to vent (and for that I can only do tarik ulur … I am not always ready to ‘receive’ such energy channel in my daily life, especially from hyperactive person +__+).

Here are several things I can summarize for her, either from personal experience, some knowledge sharing and please be noted that I combined many resources in this post including from Kate Rose. Who knows this can be your insights too, right?

So what is it about love?

I’ve always talk about concepts before but due to many revelations this time around, I must agree on some facts that we may actually fall in love with 3 persons in our life time, each for specific reason.

There’s loving someone, then there’s loving the idea of someone, then there’s loving the idea of loving someone. Only the first is love.

1. Idealistic Love

Often our first is when we were teenager or young adults, in high school or college even that we adore this one as an idea at first. This is the love that appeals to what we should be doing for society’s sake—and probably our families. We enter into it with the belief that this will be our only love and it doesn’t matter if it doesn’t feel quite right, or if we find ourselves having to swallow down our personal truths to make it work because deep down we believe that this is what love is supposed to be.

Because in this type of love, how others view us is more important than how we actually feel. It’s a love that looks right.

2. Hard Love

The second is supposed to be the hard one. This is merely the one that teaches us lessons about who we are and how we often want or need to be loved. This is the kind of love that hurts, whether through lies, pain or manipulation. We think we are making different choices than our first, but in reality we are still making choices out of the need to learn lessons—but we hang on. This second can become a cycle over and over again, oftentimes one we keep repeating because we think that somehow the ending will be different than before. Yet, each time we try, it somehow ends worse than before. Sometimes it’s unhealthy, unbalanced or narcisstic even. There may be emotional, mental or even physical abuse or manipulation—most likely there will be high levels of drama. This is exactly what keeps us addicted to this story line, because it’s the emotional roller coaster of extreme highs and lows and like a junkie trying to get a fix, we stick through the lows with the expectation of the high.

With this kind of love, trying to make it work becomes more important than whether it actually should. This one only become the love that we wished was right. (I actually pointed this one to my friend)

3. The one love we never see coming

This is the one that usually looks all wrong for us and that destroys any lingering ideals we clung to about what love is supposed to be. This is the love that comes so easy it doesn’t seem possible. It’s the kind where the connection can’t be explained and knocks us off our feet because we never planned for it.

This is the love where we come together with someone and it just fits—there aren’t any ideal expectations about how each person should be acting, nor is there pressure to become someone other than we are.

We are just simply accepted for who we are already—and it shakes to our core.

It isn’t what we envisioned our love would look like, nor does it abide by the rules that we had hoped to play it safe by. But still it shatters our preconceived notions and shows us that love doesn’t have to be how we thought in order to be true.

This is the love that keeps knocking on our door regardless of how long it takes us to answer. It’s the love that just feels right.

Possibly we need a whole lifetime to learn each lesson, or maybe, if we’re lucky, it only takes a few years. And I do think that the third one are the lucky ones.

They are the ones who are tired of having to try and whose broken hearts lay beating in front of them wondering if there is just something inherently wrong with how they love.

But there’s not; it’s just a matter of if their partner loves in the same way they do or not.

Just because it has never worked out before doesn’t mean that it won’t work out now.

What it really comes down to is if we are limited by how we love, or instead love without limits. We all have our own choices on how to love whether we want to stay on the second or letting go until the third finally come and transform you for it, isn’t it?

The one that feels like home without any rationale; the love that isn’t like a storm—but rather the quiet peace of the night after.

The one we never see coming.
The one that actually lasts.
The one that shows us why it never worked out before.

And it’s that possibility that makes trying again always worthwhile, because the truth is you never know when you’ll stumble into love again.

Karena tidak ada seseorang pun yang siap. Siap untuk jatuh cinta atau pun siap untuk patah hati. We are just all about on the same page or not to be together.

Now..Why would i write this post? For i am never a hopeless romantic nor a closed romantic one, and will never be any of those as i am just a realist romantic woman, who understand deep enough that my heart will never go anywhere by becoming hopeless and closed.


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