Catching Sunshine

One way or another, being a highly energy sensitive person has been a double edge sword in my whole life. I may not be prone on explaining too much on this part but one thing for sure, a constant influx of external energy from one’s environment or one certain dear person can be overwhelming in prolong period of time.

That is merely because being a natural empaths also means you are able to feel the full spectrum of human emotion whilst get spiritually attuned and may absorb other people’s emotion like a sponge intensely, including a kind of “angst-sucking sponges”, plus when you see visionary things some people just don’t..  And when you ‘receive’ plus ‘got squished’ too much, then you are at the edge of your balance. Beep beep…That’s when my alarm get loud though. Errr~

When you habitually invalidate or turn off a part of yourself like this, it eventually just shuts down. It’s not gone forever. But it goes dormant, remains undeveloped and more likely to be a life challenge in your next round.

Some people who selfishly (or proudly) claim themselves as intelligent people may not understand this deep or well enough especially those with closed inner eye who still have untreated past bitterness plus their closed logic to value and judge things around (whether it is relying on too many depressive quotes through google and many famous writings, well.. well.. well..)

(ZZzzzzzzz..Feeling meehhhh~)

On some levels, I just happened to categorize this year as one of the most suffering year due to a lot of problems (I explained one of the illustrations in my previous post, Collectively Coherent). But during my hardship this year, I have two intriguing dear friend who voluntarily escort me through some calming periods without them noticing how deeply it infused me. Muehehehhehhehe…. :* (kiss kiss to you)

And for that, I must thank God even more other than paying my personal gratitude to them.

The immune girl

One is a girl whom I have known since senior high school. We never talk much back then. We are both bookworms who lend novels to each other once in a while, got lost in touch for a few years until one day I found her at my office lobby preparing herself to come in for an interview.

It’s been 6 years since that day… 😀 I must say it’s been enjoyable to have a long-time friend who is equally stubborn, equally spiritual, equally intellectual and equally argumentative over the years yet still find ways to complement each other. Be it bodo-bodo conversation about guys or about financial world and business analytics approach using McKinsey matrix.

Even in times of difficulties you do need a friend by your side, not to suffer together of course, not someone who selfishly state or think on how beneficial a friend should be in life when he/she is currently in trouble… but someone who is already on the same page as you are, that you may not need too much explanation between each other whilst you are not currently in an open talk situation.

To some awe of it, I received an email from her this July, contained e-ticket to Mataram Lombok that she insisted to me, “Don’t be fussy on how to pay me back for now.. Just join me over here.. ”

There I went on an unexpected vacation, packed my thing, cancelled some sudden invitations to other country too at that time.

And this one is my favorite picture while I was in Gili Lombok :


Apapula lah tujuan poseku ini di bawah plang ayunan Wanderlands?

Haha… Setidaknya untuk melepas sebongkah isi hati yang merindu kepada laut…

Untuk melepas keputusasaan kepada semesta dan terlebih lagi, untuk berjumpa dengan Sang Khalik dalam bentukNya yg lain. 😀

And one thing after another, I remembered again that we travel once in a while not to escape life but for life not to escape us. Well… Deep conversations with the right people are just….Priceless.

The tumultuous girl

Another one is a girl whom I have known since junior high school who constantly look for me in her possible ways even from America. She’s been a lovely person except that she is currently desperate along with her slight ADHD that never cease to annoy me every time she try to communicate through texting (me almost got mad so many times).

Apparently she constantly feels not fit in Indonesia (her own homeland) despite the fact that she’s been falsely proud for having education in USA for years which leads to her self-dispute. For all the things I empathize from her gray view, she’s just currently desperate on so many misevaluations to her low self-acceptance in social health situation.

As to my awe, I get calmer the more I understand on how to handle this little SOS friend. Nothing beats the talk about guys every time I listen to her dramatic story about FALLING IN LOVE with the wrong person over and over, changing one boyfriend to other boys instead of waiting for the right guy.

I have stopped telling her through advice sentences since I’m more agreeable on supervising her in every bit detail she needs to vent (and for that I can only do tarik ulur … I am not always ready to ‘receive’ such energy channel in my daily life, especially from hyperactive person +__+).

Here are several things I can summarize for her, either from personal experience, some knowledge sharing and please be noted that I combined many resources in this post including from Kate Rose. Who knows this can be your insights too, right?

So what is it about love?

I’ve always talk about concepts before but due to many revelations this time around, I must agree on some facts that we may actually fall in love with 3 persons in our life time, each for specific reason.

There’s loving someone, then there’s loving the idea of someone, then there’s loving the idea of loving someone. Only the first is love.

1. Idealistic Love

Often our first is when we were teenager or young adults, in high school or college even that we adore this one as an idea at first. This is the love that appeals to what we should be doing for society’s sake—and probably our families. We enter into it with the belief that this will be our only love and it doesn’t matter if it doesn’t feel quite right, or if we find ourselves having to swallow down our personal truths to make it work because deep down we believe that this is what love is supposed to be.

Because in this type of love, how others view us is more important than how we actually feel. It’s a love that looks right.

2. Hard Love

The second is supposed to be the hard one. This is merely the one that teaches us lessons about who we are and how we often want or need to be loved. This is the kind of love that hurts, whether through lies, pain or manipulation. We think we are making different choices than our first, but in reality we are still making choices out of the need to learn lessons—but we hang on. This second can become a cycle over and over again, oftentimes one we keep repeating because we think that somehow the ending will be different than before. Yet, each time we try, it somehow ends worse than before. Sometimes it’s unhealthy, unbalanced or narcisstic even. There may be emotional, mental or even physical abuse or manipulation—most likely there will be high levels of drama. This is exactly what keeps us addicted to this story line, because it’s the emotional roller coaster of extreme highs and lows and like a junkie trying to get a fix, we stick through the lows with the expectation of the high.

With this kind of love, trying to make it work becomes more important than whether it actually should. This one only become the love that we wished was right. (I actually pointed this one to my friend)

3. The one love we never see coming

This is the one that usually looks all wrong for us and that destroys any lingering ideals we clung to about what love is supposed to be. This is the love that comes so easy it doesn’t seem possible. It’s the kind where the connection can’t be explained and knocks us off our feet because we never planned for it.

This is the love where we come together with someone and it just fits—there aren’t any ideal expectations about how each person should be acting, nor is there pressure to become someone other than we are.

We are just simply accepted for who we are already—and it shakes to our core.

It isn’t what we envisioned our love would look like, nor does it abide by the rules that we had hoped to play it safe by. But still it shatters our preconceived notions and shows us that love doesn’t have to be how we thought in order to be true.

This is the love that keeps knocking on our door regardless of how long it takes us to answer. It’s the love that just feels right.

Possibly we need a whole lifetime to learn each lesson, or maybe, if we’re lucky, it only takes a few years. And I do think that the third one are the lucky ones.

They are the ones who are tired of having to try and whose broken hearts lay beating in front of them wondering if there is just something inherently wrong with how they love.

But there’s not; it’s just a matter of if their partner loves in the same way they do or not.

Just because it has never worked out before doesn’t mean that it won’t work out now.

What it really comes down to is if we are limited by how we love, or instead love without limits. We all have our own choices on how to love whether we want to stay on the second or letting go until the third finally come and transform you for it, isn’t it?

The one that feels like home without any rationale; the love that isn’t like a storm—but rather the quiet peace of the night after.

The one we never see coming.
The one that actually lasts.
The one that shows us why it never worked out before.

And it’s that possibility that makes trying again always worthwhile, because the truth is you never know when you’ll stumble into love again.

Karena tidak ada seseorang pun yang siap. Siap untuk jatuh cinta atau pun siap untuk patah hati. We are just all about on the same page or not to be together.

Now..Why would i write this post? For i am never a hopeless romantic nor a closed romantic one, and will never be any of those as i am just a realist romantic woman, who understand deep enough that my heart will never go anywhere by becoming hopeless and closed.


What Hurt is What Matters, anyone?

Best moment of the year : Sweet beer under the sunset while the moon was arising at Seminyak, Bali.

Overwhelmed by the details until the tears dried out and everything get numb then it regrow again from within.

Perhaps, this has been a long topic with some of my close people who is “warm” to understand things when it actually gets heavier in each of our diverse challenges and problems. Taking notes for myself in this matter while saying “this too shall pass”… Setidaknya ketika hati sudah tidak diremas-remas lagi dan mata sudah kering.

Apart from many kinds of people around you who take different life paths whether getting too focused and get “too heavy” for the past you cannot let go or still having small mind capacity to understand how to widen horizons of action, you may need some help to get yourself untangled & gain new perspective.

As in this case, biggest shame on those who only know how to drag each other down and getting busy on proving right or wrong, making people feel bad even more. Acting like a brave one but a coward inside.

Karena ego yang terlalu besar tidak akan membawamu kemana pun untuk berkembang.

Lebih sia-sia lagi untuk mencelikan mata yang sudah menolak untuk melihat dan telinga yang tidak kunjung belajar mendengar untuk mengerti.

I should insert this on some people’s head, perhaps just in my imagination.

Talking is easy whether it is right or not, but to prove it within yourself, that is the most difficult part. Too many justification in your head is also a hindrance. Whatever somebody may say about themselves, it can be right and it can be wrong depend on point of view and particular situation. What’s the important thing is how to make it real in life with action. Out of your comfort zone.

It is okay if your breath gets short. Breathe in deeply until both of your chest get numb and  exhale more since everyone take their happiness differently, along with their own kind of pain and healed bitterness.

And for this sake, people who are ready to grow together with you, are the best people in the whole world.

Untuk semua yang dijalani bersama… cheers for the same continued growth darlings.

Cheers even more to all cauterized things and to future possibilities.

For all the things worth mentioning?

Dear my little long time friend, initialized as PAN,

The aftertaste of poison sweetness is a dreadful dead, so if it’s a poison, keep it bitter and the effect will not create any magnitude or fake sensation of the death itself.
Acting fool or acting sweet towards the dead itself perhaps?
Someone may have to drink you a Veritaserum to get that messed up or f*cked up maze out from your inside, the bottled neck effect has been too much for years, don’t you think?

Membisu dalam keterbelengguan, tercekat dalam leher. It’s been tiring, no? So why don’t you shift yourself? You gotta be!

Having some bravery to mock up your habit into a better person by having someone to trigger and get you out from your shell may not be a bad idea after all. Every relations are like electric currents. A proper lightning shock is in need at times. Hopefully, the bait role produce you a release after all these agonizing years inside your brain.

And thank you many many much for being such a good friend. Five years do count, huh?

Standing like an army right here right now, cheers to life (surely not a f*cked up category anymore, right?)~

Ex abundancia cordis, os loquitor.

Seorang teman berkata padaku tadi malam via texting, “Lo sibuknya uda kaya urus Negara ya bolak balik melulu kaya bang toyib, kapan main nya hahaha!”

“Hahaha..bukan Negara heyyy, tapi demi menjaga kewarasan. Satu, kewarasan dompet…. Dua, kewarasan hati. Dan bukan kapan main-nya tapi kapan pulang-nya,” cetusku. Yah mungkin alien planet sebelah pun way more smarter than me untuk urusan menikmati hidup daripada jadi budak kantoran macam ini.

Boro-boro menikmati weekend dan malam natal – tahun baru kemarin, sampai pantatku lekat dengan sofa di rumah-hometown pun, whatsapp messenger terus berbunyi diikuti telepon kalau-kalau aku lupa membalas chat dan harus buka laptop lagi. Tahu-tahu saja jam di layar menunjukkan tahun 2015 sudah hampir berlalu saat masih “work from home”, aku bahkan lupa waktu. Rasanya aku ingin mengubah keadaan untuk men-transform semua tempat yg aku datangi itu lah yg menjadi kantorku, bukan sebaliknya.

Menapakan kaki di kamar sore hari tentunya terasa miracle sejak beberapa bulan belakangan ini, simple sunset miracle yang Miracle water SK II saja pokoknya kalah deh, dijamin. Maklum, sedang dalam periode ON project ber-deadline diikuti rasa eneg lihat gundukan crane dan excavator selama setahun penuh. Kalau mau pulang kampung saja harus hitung budget dulu, apa lagi main seenak perut.

Puncaknya sih, pernah tidak kamu merasa intoxicated oleh keadaan sekitar? Kalau jawabanmu iya, welcome to my paradise nowadays where KEPO people annoy me the most for nowSince KEPO stands for Known Every Particular Object, sometimes I don’t have to answer everything to everyone, right? As if you have to explain your life choices to everyone you met and they will bla-bla-bla you (not sharing thoughts loh ya but bla-bla-bla, if you get what i mean). Terlalu banyak distraksi, berakibat memang ada sesuatu yg hilang dalam diri. Even the things that we love to do can make us feel miserable sometimes, right?

Pertanyaan macam “Kenapa sih lo gak resign-resign? Udah kayak romusha aja” bahkan sudah tidak asing lagi terlontar di telingaku. Well, it’s not that I cannot do that darling. I don’t do things abruptly. Bentuk tanggung jawab KE diri sendiri dan PADA apa yg sedang ada di tanganmu pun ada banyak bentukannya dan tidak bersifat eventually (such a lazy word, don’t you think? that eventually word).

Untuk bagian departemen kehidupan yg namanya pekerjaan, terkadang mengomel itu membantu, yah …sedikit. Apalagi kalau ingatanmu diikuti dengan angka biaya hidup dan liability lainnya untuk ukuran budak kantoran yang hidup sendiri dan jarang pulang walaupun homesick disertai kangen elusan Ibu plus pelukan Ayah, mampunya utk saat ini yaaaaa do the best I can. Short message macam “Wah wah semangat ya” tentunya terasa lebih meaningful. Lagi pula siapa juga yang tidak pernah merasa tersesat even once in their life? Kalau ada yg bilang tidak pernah, berarti anda sudah terlalu lama dalam comfort zoneWell.. any kind of movement is life ya know.

Butuh kepercayaan dan mungkin (atau tepatnya) sedikit kepasrahan, walaupun tetap ada ekspektasi menggelayut dalam batin : semoga semua effort ini akan menghasilkan yang lebih baik setidaknya untuk beberapa bulan ke depan walaupun aku tahu, kalender tidak akan memutuskan kapan kamu akan mengubah hidupmu. You decide it yourself at the right time. Time again, as always.

Yang jelas, waktu adalah sesuatu yg berharga buatku. For those who know and understand things well enough, they don’t judge since they know how that feels too.

Dan di saat seperti ini lah, yang kamu butuhkan tentunya bukan pernyataan atas kelanjutan status so-called-pertemanan, tetapi sisi humble dari seseorang yang mengerti cara menghadapi diri sendiri dan terhadap satu sama lain ketika memiliki kondisi sulit-nya masing-masing. Untuk hal macam begini, sekalian ngelantur saja kalau begitu, ketik-ketik lalu klik Enter di layar chat.

Dan alih-alih soal sekedar cari pacar yg sebenarnya sudah bukan jamannya lagi untuk usia segini, dengan hidupku yang macam begini adanya sih yaaa cari pasangan hidup macam partner in crime itu lebih ideal, tentunya yang bisa diajak ngelantur apa pun hingga serious talk sampai dini hari dengan segelas wine!

What couldn’t be more perfect than that for such life in a nutshell like mine? I want to freeze the time once in a while so I can feel the air that I breathe to remember again that it’s not what I breathe, but simply how I breathe. Cheers with love sweety ~ ❤

Celoteh Batin Dini Hari

“Harus puas dengan tujuan macam apakah aku ini?”, tanya batinku pada Tuhan dini hari tadi.

Pertanyaan yg sudah berkutat di dalam diri beberapa tahun ini belakangan membuatku kehabisan energi sampai-sampai bisa beresiko mati kelelahan saja sekalian. Aku sedang lelah dalam 3 dinamika kata 5 tahun belakangan yaitu tujuan, kesempatan dan penolakan! Aku masih di sini, sibuk di ibukota bernama Jakarta, masih membuat diri terkikis oleh jadwal kerja yg lama-lama ternyata membuatku frustasi (berkelanjutan mungkin?). Dijawab atau tidak oleh Tuhan, ah aku sudah berhenti bertanya walau pun mereka bilang perilaku iman setiap orang itu selalu unik entah seperti apapun proses pencariannya, baik itu dari seorang berfigur paling religius atau pun yang terkesan paling murtad sekalipun dan mengaku tak beriman. Kenapa? Karena aku semakin mendapati bahwa kesadaran akan Tuhan adalah ilusi belaka. Ilusi pikiran dan kumpulan rancangan konsep pemikiran yang pernah ada, dibentuk dari penyatuan persepsi menghasilkan satu untaian ilmu kehidupan, dalam bentuk harapan positif atau pun ratapan sinisnya.

Bagai untaian rantai hidrokarbon dan berbagai konfigurasinya, berbagai asa dan rasa akan bertautan membentuk komponen baru yang melebur di dalam diri, dalam setiap tahapannya. Semua akan memberikan pengalaman “rasa” yang berbeda. Sama saja seperti distillation process, reflux menentukan kualitas produk akhir dan akan terpisahkan mana yg berguna dan mana yang tidak, begitu pula kondisi ketika proses berlangsung jelas berpengaruh. Bentuk istilah singkatnya, interaksi produktif antar manusia (plus dengan Tuhan).

Apakah ini hasil kepalaku yg terlalu banyak berputar sendiri? Mungkin. Tapi yang jelas.. Tuhan itu bukan objek atau sekedar wadah atas semua harapan dan keinginan tapi Tuhan adalah bentuk kesadaran itu sendiri, just pure awareness. Kesadaran murni yang tak terkondisi! Ada di dalam bagian diri masing-masing orang, sifatnya lekat… asalkan tidak dibuat bias oleh EGO. Bibit yg seringkali terlupakan (atau sengaja dilupakan?).

Pertanyaannya, bagaimana cara melalui (atau memiliki?) sebuah kesadaran yang tidak dikondisikan oleh pikiran, persepsi diri dan segala bentuk penyimpangan ego beserta segala bentuk arogansi-nya? Apakah itu semua demi merubah apa yg terlihat di depan menjadi suatu kesadaran radikal tak terkondisi?

Tentunya hal itu melebihi wujud yang ada dan segala jenis relasinya untuk menjadi yang terselamatkan secara aktual. Namun, tetap saja ada hal-hal yang tidak bisa dijawab melalui wujud. Selama belum mengerti tahap ini, constant fear selalu ada dalam kamus harianmu (been there too anyway).

Bagaimana caranya mematahkan vibrasi egomu sendiri yang membuat fatamorgana persepsi untuk menjadikan pure awareness tersebut bangkit? Harus sampai tahap mana kamu merasa hidupmu sudah terjawab? Bentuk harapan bertemu dengan Tuhan dalam perjalanan macam apakah yang menjadikan Tuhan sebagai bentuk awareness?

Pure awareness didapat dari pencapaian atas pengalaman-pengalaman tertentu, yang terkadang tidak bisa dirasionalisasikan tapi dapat dimengerti bahwa certain feelings just stay forever. Penyertaan. Bukan tetek bengek macam mood swings. Bukan emotional baggage. Sifatnya undeniable tetapi intangible. Akan diiringi pula menjadi loving awareness yang senantiasa akan menyertai ketika kamu sudah benar-benar mengerti apa itu mengampuni dan hatimu tidak sedang menuduh dirimu sendiri, tetapi memberimu keberanian untuk mendekati “sang kesadaran” itu sendiri. Di saat itu lah kamu akan tahu kalau kamu sedang memberi makan batinmu sendiri untuk kemudian menjadikan sesuatu secara real, dengan penilaian bahwa itu menjadikan lebih baik. Transformasi segala bentuk ingin menjadi nyata! Bukannya mengikis atau menyiksa batinmu sendiri, tetapi menciptakan makna yg baik dalam batinmu dan saat mampu, saling memberi makan batin lain yang sama-sama memerlukannya.

Entah bagaimana respon kamu-kamu saat membaca tulisan macam ini, tapi setidaknya ini adalah isi dialog batinku beserta celotehannya selama ini. Aku tidak mencari validasi dari pihak mana pun karena aku hanya membiarkan pikiran dan jiwaku terbang bebas dalam batasan langitku sendiri, bersama seluruh isi hatiku saat ini yang sudah mencapai rasa syukur atas banyak hal. Karena aku mengerti bahwa setiap momen selalu mengajarimu sesuatu hanya jika kamu berhenti sejenak dan mendengarkan batinmu sendiri.

Cheers~ :p

Stainless Heart

It’s been months since my last post and I already turned 27 years old last week. Just entered another stage of life and life’s been busy as ever. 🙂
Hope everything goes well for each of you and may 2014 become a good lesson to be a better you in 2015!
Well.. As for me, year 2014 turned out to be quite tough.
Work challenge in office. Family problems. A change of heart. A falling heart for an empty promise. A broken heart (maybe). A whole package!
I was hurt (a little) and so did my butt.. (as for my injury, my Lumbar MRI scan is all clear!! thank God it was only a temporary low back muscle injury, not a real spine injury as it was suspected at first. I stopped freaking out at the least. Keep calm and just do yoga.)
There’s been a lot of tears, a lot of ups&downs, and a lot of mood swings. Yeah..Strange but true, I have become a happier me now.
I’ve reached a stage where I stop myself getting hurt, to be sad & also to be dissapointed by empty words.
And.. I’m getting more used to see people come and go in life.
Some certain people made big impact for me.
Some touched my life, some changed my heart, some even succeeded to change my mind set.
Sadly, only a few decided to stay in touch with me until now. I used to be so sad like a broken hearted person but now I feel nothing but relieved & grateful.
Slowly but sure, attaining a stainless heart. :p
One thing I have learned over the years, sense of presence matters a lot.
“What’s that mean? Is ‘sense of presence’ even a word?”, my lovely friend used to ask me.
It just simply mean that some one do exist for you, reach out to you and care for you.
I know that the heart wants what it wants, no matter how imaginary it would seem at first.
But feelings are feelings.
And the truth validate the feelings whether it would evolve or just dissapear.
Just imagine when “I didn’t mean to” turned out to be “I meant to” as the time goes by.
Ergh. I’m sick of it.
But fortunately, there are some people in your life who’s meant to be your reality check point.
Their words and their presence become an alarming sound inside your heart, to awake the dead connection between heart and mind.
They are the inspiring people who widen your horizon.
To them, I owe my gratitude. ❤

Among The 3

There is one thing I hate about my life nowadays. TRAFFIC JAM.

It’s already part of my schedule since I have spent the last 3 years of my 20’s, sitting in the car for around 3-5 hours per day to go to client’s office doing projects. Getting bored of the mad traffic is one of my routines. *sigh*

Cars & tall buildings are all over the place in Jakarta.. VERY DULL.

But yaayyy, I got the chance to escape from the big city into the woods last week.

I  know.. I know.. I’m a bit quirk about “my escape from reality” hobby. Most of my friends go shopping to release stress but I go into the forest (or singing in the bathroom until my room neighbor laugh & I get embarrassed).. (-..-“)>

Okay, where was i? Back to the topic. The Lovely Forest.

Taman Hutan Raya Dago Pakar, West Java, Indonesia
Taman Hutan Raya Dago Pakar, North Bandung area, West Java, Indonesia


I went to this place with my older brother last Saturday. And the scent!! Nothing is more refreshing than morning walk while breathing the clean air in the mountain at 7 AM!!

We chatted about many things while walking. Small stuff, some daily troubles etc ,including some matters that have bothered me for a couple months. Will my spring dream be my summer reality? LOL!

Well, it’s been a while we haven’t chatted like this. And it was FAR more comforting to talk in person rather than just texting..

There was a thin line between feeling & thinking for me right now.

And it occurred to me that there are 3 types of logic, which are :

1. Logic that comes from (or after?) FEELINGs itself.

This is the moment when you might get confused and might get yourself overthinking (plus getting lost in your own illusion maybe?).

2. Logic that comes from EXPERIENCEs.

This one matters between EVER or NEVER BEFORE. You tend to think clearer when you EVER experienced some things, right?

3. Logic that comes from UNDERSTANDINGs.

This is “the AHA moment” when you are clueless at all and just know something by theory. Does believe ever enough anyway?

So.. Which kind of situation have you encountered the most in your life so far?

I hope it all goes well. We get to know ourselves better by knowing people better, right?

Life is like an onion sometimes.

In every layer, in every tears,

There’s another part to see in every soul.

A part that will never be the same.

And yes, God is good. He keep me safe and sound.

Thank You for keeping my heart steady by surrounding me with good people in my life.


One message for all of you this week (especially after Easter) :

Sometimes when we get hurt, we closed our hearts.

But just forgive & give way anyway.

Give the time enough time.

Cheers~ 😀

Wild Flowers
Wild Flowers (Taken when we were walking that day)