Catching Sunshine

One way or another, being a highly energy sensitive person has been a double edge sword in my whole life. I may not be prone on explaining too much on this part but one thing for sure, a constant influx of external energy from one’s environment or one certain dear person can be overwhelming in prolong period of time.

That is merely because being a natural empaths also means you are able to feel the full spectrum of human emotion whilst get spiritually attuned and may absorb other people’s emotion like a sponge intensely, including a kind of “angst-sucking sponges”, plus when you see visionary things some people just don’t..  And when you ‘receive’ plus ‘got squished’ too much, then you are at the edge of your balance. Beep beep…That’s when my alarm get loud though. Errr~

When you habitually invalidate or turn off a part of yourself like this, it eventually just shuts down. It’s not gone forever. But it goes dormant, remains undeveloped and more likely to be a life challenge in your next round.

Some people who selfishly (or proudly) claim themselves as intelligent people may not understand this deep or well enough especially those with closed inner eye who still have untreated past bitterness plus their closed logic to value and judge things around (whether it is relying on too many depressive quotes through google and many famous writings, well.. well.. well..)

(ZZzzzzzzz..Feeling meehhhh~)

On some levels, I just happened to categorize this year as one of the most suffering year due to a lot of problems (I explained one of the illustrations in my previous post, Collectively Coherent). But during my hardship this year, I have two intriguing dear friend who voluntarily escort me through some calming periods without them noticing how deeply it infused me. Muehehehhehhehe…. :* (kiss kiss to you)

And for that, I must thank God even more other than paying my personal gratitude to them.

The immune girl

One is a girl whom I have known since senior high school. We never talk much back then. We are both bookworms who lend novels to each other once in a while, got lost in touch for a few years until one day I found her at my office lobby preparing herself to come in for an interview.

It’s been 6 years since that day… 😀 I must say it’s been enjoyable to have a long-time friend who is equally stubborn, equally spiritual, equally intellectual and equally argumentative over the years yet still find ways to complement each other. Be it bodo-bodo conversation about guys or about financial world and business analytics approach using McKinsey matrix.

Even in times of difficulties you do need a friend by your side, not to suffer together of course, not someone who selfishly state or think on how beneficial a friend should be in life when he/she is currently in trouble… but someone who is already on the same page as you are, that you may not need too much explanation between each other whilst you are not currently in an open talk situation.

To some awe of it, I received an email from her this July, contained e-ticket to Mataram Lombok that she insisted to me, “Don’t be fussy on how to pay me back for now.. Just join me over here.. ”

There I went on an unexpected vacation, packed my thing, cancelled some sudden invitations to other country too at that time.

And this one is my favorite picture while I was in Gili Lombok :

gili

Apapula lah tujuan poseku ini di bawah plang ayunan Wanderlands?

Haha… Setidaknya untuk melepas sebongkah isi hati yang merindu kepada laut…

Untuk melepas keputusasaan kepada semesta dan terlebih lagi, untuk berjumpa dengan Sang Khalik dalam bentukNya yg lain. 😀

And one thing after another, I remembered again that we travel once in a while not to escape life but for life not to escape us. Well… Deep conversations with the right people are just….Priceless.

The tumultuous girl

Another one is a girl whom I have known since junior high school who constantly look for me in her possible ways even from America. She’s been a lovely person except that she is currently desperate along with her slight ADHD that never cease to annoy me every time she try to communicate through texting (me almost got mad so many times).

Apparently she constantly feels not fit in Indonesia (her own homeland) despite the fact that she’s been falsely proud for having education in USA for years which leads to her self-dispute. For all the things I empathize from her gray view, she’s just currently desperate on so many misevaluations to her low self-acceptance in social health situation.

As to my awe, I get calmer the more I understand on how to handle this little SOS friend. Nothing beats the talk about guys every time I listen to her dramatic story about FALLING IN LOVE with the wrong person over and over, changing one boyfriend to other boys instead of waiting for the right guy.

I have stopped telling her through advice sentences since I’m more agreeable on supervising her in every bit detail she needs to vent (and for that I can only do tarik ulur … I am not always ready to ‘receive’ such energy channel in my daily life, especially from hyperactive person +__+).

Here are several things I can summarize for her, either from personal experience, some knowledge sharing and please be noted that I combined many resources in this post including from Kate Rose. Who knows this can be your insights too, right?

So what is it about love?

I’ve always talk about concepts before but due to many revelations this time around, I must agree on some facts that we may actually fall in love with 3 persons in our life time, each for specific reason.

There’s loving someone, then there’s loving the idea of someone, then there’s loving the idea of loving someone. Only the first is love.

1. Idealistic Love

Often our first is when we were teenager or young adults, in high school or college even that we adore this one as an idea at first. This is the love that appeals to what we should be doing for society’s sake—and probably our families. We enter into it with the belief that this will be our only love and it doesn’t matter if it doesn’t feel quite right, or if we find ourselves having to swallow down our personal truths to make it work because deep down we believe that this is what love is supposed to be.

Because in this type of love, how others view us is more important than how we actually feel. It’s a love that looks right.

2. Hard Love

The second is supposed to be the hard one. This is merely the one that teaches us lessons about who we are and how we often want or need to be loved. This is the kind of love that hurts, whether through lies, pain or manipulation. We think we are making different choices than our first, but in reality we are still making choices out of the need to learn lessons—but we hang on. This second can become a cycle over and over again, oftentimes one we keep repeating because we think that somehow the ending will be different than before. Yet, each time we try, it somehow ends worse than before. Sometimes it’s unhealthy, unbalanced or narcisstic even. There may be emotional, mental or even physical abuse or manipulation—most likely there will be high levels of drama. This is exactly what keeps us addicted to this story line, because it’s the emotional roller coaster of extreme highs and lows and like a junkie trying to get a fix, we stick through the lows with the expectation of the high.

With this kind of love, trying to make it work becomes more important than whether it actually should. This one only become the love that we wished was right. (I actually pointed this one to my friend)

3. The one love we never see coming

This is the one that usually looks all wrong for us and that destroys any lingering ideals we clung to about what love is supposed to be. This is the love that comes so easy it doesn’t seem possible. It’s the kind where the connection can’t be explained and knocks us off our feet because we never planned for it.

This is the love where we come together with someone and it just fits—there aren’t any ideal expectations about how each person should be acting, nor is there pressure to become someone other than we are.

We are just simply accepted for who we are already—and it shakes to our core.

It isn’t what we envisioned our love would look like, nor does it abide by the rules that we had hoped to play it safe by. But still it shatters our preconceived notions and shows us that love doesn’t have to be how we thought in order to be true.

This is the love that keeps knocking on our door regardless of how long it takes us to answer. It’s the love that just feels right.

Possibly we need a whole lifetime to learn each lesson, or maybe, if we’re lucky, it only takes a few years. And I do think that the third one are the lucky ones.

They are the ones who are tired of having to try and whose broken hearts lay beating in front of them wondering if there is just something inherently wrong with how they love.

But there’s not; it’s just a matter of if their partner loves in the same way they do or not.

Just because it has never worked out before doesn’t mean that it won’t work out now.

What it really comes down to is if we are limited by how we love, or instead love without limits. We all have our own choices on how to love whether we want to stay on the second or letting go until the third finally come and transform you for it, isn’t it?

The one that feels like home without any rationale; the love that isn’t like a storm—but rather the quiet peace of the night after.

The one we never see coming.
The one that actually lasts.
The one that shows us why it never worked out before.

And it’s that possibility that makes trying again always worthwhile, because the truth is you never know when you’ll stumble into love again.

Karena tidak ada seseorang pun yang siap. Siap untuk jatuh cinta atau pun siap untuk patah hati. We are just all about on the same page or not to be together.

Now..Why would i write this post? For i am never a hopeless romantic nor a closed romantic one, and will never be any of those as i am just a realist romantic woman, who understand deep enough that my heart will never go anywhere by becoming hopeless and closed.

vires acquirit eundo

Tak terasa ini sudah menjelang tahun ke-enam. Aku sudah bukan anak kemarin sore lagi yang baru masuk dunia, tetapi sebagai pemain lama. I’ve been ouuuut of the book and being tooooo attached at the real street for long, haven’t i? Ain’t a college idealist anymore. Dan realitaku tahun ini ibarat sedang memandang anak-anak angsa yang baru belajar berenang di tepian danau. Berani terbang pun belum. Ada yang masih senang main air atau pun memang sibuk mangkel sambil ngomel.

Bagaimana tidak? Ketika mengeluarkan pertanyaan sistematis standard seperti “Oke…Jadi kamu sudah tau apa saja tentang Rekonsiliasi System-Subsystem?” dilanjutkan dengan Konsolidasi dll, toh aku hanya dibalas dengan tatapan apaan-itu-kak diikuti muka seram begitu mendengar nama proyek Jackpot ini karena rumor sekantor. LOL. That face!

white-swan

Aku hanya terkekeh sambil menenangkan muka-muka angsa polosan macam anak kuliah penuh teori dan hipotesa ini. Persepsi situasi memang harus diperkenalkan dengan hati-hati agar kondusif saat berjalan. Chemistry dalam bekerja itu ada seni-nya, betul? Dan kalau tidak ada rindu, untuk apa kerja? Sama seperti hubungan.

Well..Setidaknya…Mereka menerima provisi plus transfer knowledge dariku dengan otak yang lapar. Itu sudah jadi berita baik buatku, ditambah aku harus mendampingi bagian jam terbang hingga awal 2017 plus extra tanggung jawab sejak tahun kemarin.

Apa yg bisa diuji dari ini semua? Hasil membangun pola kerjaku! Dites habis-habisan seperti dihajar sejak tahun kemarin di tempat antah berantah, jauh dari pusat kota yg menyediakanku rumah kedua selain Bandung. Jadi…Pressure-nya berasa beneran (setidaknya seperti inilah realita karirku). Saat ini aku sudah melewati masa shock dan beneran panik akibat metode beringas tahun kemarin dari orang lain yang sangat tidak tepat, diikuti uji EQ maksimal di lapangan. Hello new resilience!

Dan dari semua monster ego yg selama ini aku latih di dalam, duh! Tetap saja masih tersisa satu yang sulit jinak seumur hidup, makin dipecut makin takabur dan harus dibantu oleh sosok yang bisa calm-kind-smarty-dominant di sampingku, bukan yang ambekan melulu seumur hidupnya. (-_______-)

Monster apa itu? Monster pola yang sedang lost in sequence, ditambah lagi kalau sedang “jablai” jadinya makin kacau beliaw, bisa begitu. HAHAHA —–> ketawa miris loh ini, apalagi kalau sedang panicked over prolonged situational condition. Jadinya monster jablai beneran!

Lalu untuk hal lain lagi…Apa yg bisa dipetik ulang ketika iman sedang dijatuhkan situasi? Ketika sekedar berharap bukan pilihan strategi yang baik? Ada! Apa tuh? Kalau perjalanan dengan Tuhan itu sama sekali nggak ada hubungannya dengan agama dan segala macam ritual. Yep. Itu perjalanan yang sepenuhnya spiritual. Dan nggak ada yang bisa benar-benar memahaminya kecuali kau dan Dia saja. Catat ya…sifatnya personal dan hasilnya ya… naik level. Won’t go details on this part. :p

Selain itu… tak lupa juga dengan pembimbing baik hati yang selalu sabar dengan kepolosanku terdahulu. Aku tersenyum iseng tiap pagi tatkala berjumpa si Om rewel baik hati yang dulu menyambutku ketika pertama kali masuk gedung ini… Ia cuma bilang, “Ingat ya Non, you essentially work for yourself. Oh, dan untuk orang-orang tersayang juga.”

Well..Sekarang aku jadi tambah paham kenapa ia tak pernah sekali pun bertanya “Why do you want to work for this company?” saat briefing karyawan terdahulu.

Tak lama setelah obrolan dengan Om ini, biasanya aku selalu men-dial 1 nomor utk di-call. Kami mengobrol panjang dan ketika waktu sudah habis, ia selalu menutup dialog sambil berkata, “Lagi sama-sama sulit.. Kamu yang sabar ya ngejalanin di sana.”

Dan aku hanya mengangguk sambil menjawab, “Iya Pa, yang sabar juga ya…”

Aku yang saat ini seperti angsa sedang merebahkan diri di tepian danau. Tak ingin terbang atau pun bermain air. Hanya sedang vakum sembari mempersiapkan encouragement ini itu untuk angsa-angsa lain yang aku haruskan ke tengah danau lalu belajar terbang sendiri karena aku tahu mereka itu mampu, tapi belum gigih. Artinya…Jeburin dulu saja! Jadi apa ya lihat nanti.

And at one point of my life, I figured out what I need is one brave man who understand how to slow me down and stay. Not one who bravely initiate and snap me then just disappear. I’d love someone who pull me away from my computer once in a while and show me that it’s okay for me to stop and just walk slower with him. Together.

Because Love should slow you down and lead you into growing mutual weirdness. Never the opposite.

shw_3

{mengetik random selesai, gausa protes karena sequence yg ngga rapih ya kawan-kawan lol}

The Immovable Detachment

As our usual meet up took place last Friday along with tasty cherry and wheat beers, I can only laugh sheepishly among the crowd while I still gawked on my little red tube called Symbicort Turbuhaler (inhaler) to use for one more month as I only followed necessary directions of what is not and what to hold on until grandpa Doctor says “All clear” after one year supervision due to tiredness condition and other immune tendency.

Nothing serious in the future unless I cross the border line into unhealthy accumulation. We just get to choose our own poison along with the healer in our life, right? Noted, doc.

jkt
small milky way called Jakarta

Anyway.. We were just detaching mind from work and picking the night even more while talking about nothing and everything for the future when priority is just a priority (dikala umur menuju kepala 3 muhaha).

Then one question popped up from my grinning face : Tell me dears..What is your most ideal images that you hardly let go from your mind?

Be it moving on from your ideal personality you ever love like a gruesome doctor, famous designer, cheating lawyer, ambitious engineer, sweet lovely writer etc.. we all have our kind of Mount Everest right at heart and mind.

And it is our choice whether to keep it too much in mind, adapt it or to just let things be, either on whatever adjective that come along as a tag-lined-profession or adjusting point of view once again to accept from the other side.

How much cloudy people could become to compensate the possibility of the future nowadays, huh? Apart from our perseverance in life, I only see that things are meant to let go when you are mentally ready, just because.

That at some point of our desires to catch what we want in life, doing it in immovable detachment results in bunches of contentment, purity, simplicity and immutability that dwells eternally in our soul (just some vocab from Meister Eckhart essay).

That of all beautiful and screwed up things, having great peeps in company while we keep saying towards each other in unconditional situation  of this ‘belantara Jakarta’ years after years such as :

“Come! Let’s go on trial errors, fall and always rise up. I’m waiting for you to put yourselves together again, ok? We are always just around.”

And isn’t it just we all need sometimes?

Some “bodo-bodo” conversations to laugh about after rough day and some deep discussions about the meaning of your life to ponder on and also to look forward having a life spouse in 3 words final category : komplemen, utuh dan sejalan.. Bersama-sama menjadi.

Cheers ~<3

Ingatan Setangkai

3422097850_970c50e534

“To bear the fruits against all odds, my dear Evy.”

Begitulah makna kalimat itu terngiang di kepalaku ketika seorang sahabat datang saat dibutuhkan, tanpa diminta. Apalah artinya itu dikala emotional fatigue bertandang kembali di tengah kejengahan ibukota ini dan siapa sangka si bayangan itu kembali hanya untuk singgah tersenyum. Tak diundang. Tak dinyana.

Benarlah adanya kalau orang yang memegang kunci kesembuhan terdalam itu … ya hanya si pembuat, dalam keteduhan matanya. Tak lain dan tak bukan, si rosaceae yang tersimpan rapi di lubuk hati.

Telah lama ter-peram tanpa sadar, bukan di-peram dengan sengaja. Ia melenggang ringan sebesar keberadaannya di tengah canda tawa pesta pernikahan seorang sahabat Februari lalu. Sudah sewindu lamanya saat setangkai itu singgah kembali dalam kelegaan tiada tara tak terperikan waktu silam.

Hidup adalah bentuk cinta yang paling liar, dalam segala bentuk asa-nya dari berbagai macam penjuru. Sebesar dan sekecil apa pun itu.

Ia meresap ke dalam akar dan melunakkan duri ketika bersinggungan dalam senyum si damai untuk kembali ke asal muasalnya, batin.

Bisa jadi kata-kata terpampang di jalanan Bandung itu boleh juga dikutip seperti adanya.

Bukan demi reset, tapi hanya check up di tengah ketidaksengajaan semesta kalau semua memang baik adanya sepahit apa pun itu rasanya dulu. Walaupun sayangnya malah terbawa ke kepingan selanjutnya. Basah hati karma pun terbakar (halah).

Mungkin ini yg namanya berdamai dengan wujud “kau yang panas di keningkau yang dingin untuk dikenang”…Tak lebih dan tak kurang. Dinyatakan kembali atau tidak, sebegitunyalah adanya menjadi tuntas dan penuh kembali.

Ah… Iya, persis yang itu Mr. Rose. Terima kasih ya, sahutku tenang dalam hati.

My precious key is back, at least. 🙂

Not even an arrogant and immature lockpicker can re-create it but myself, getting healed by the hand of its previous borrower. Just to stay as it is, right and just in my palm.

Fully intact and not yet to be touched more further by anyone.

Just getting warmer in my late twenties, winter in my heart finally has passed.

Aku menyambut kembali kedatangan musim di seantero keinginan beserta keengganan yang mungkin dan tidak mungkin selesai melewati berbagai perkara.

Karena mampu menyayangi dan disayangi dikala langitmu runtuh itu menentramkan, menyenangkan hati. Entah apa pun definisi runtuhnya itu, tak butuh banyak premature statement yang sengaja dikeluarkan secara personal hanya untuk di-twist di depan khalayak pendengar picisan. Bukan kata-kata pre-agreement karena urusan cinta itu bukan seperti negosiasi bisnis.

Disanalah kedewasaan seseorang itu diuji bersama cinta kasihnya.

Ia diuji untuk bisa menumbuhkembangkan.

Sebuah anugerah yang tidak hilang timbul tenggelam seperti ombak yang pupus harapannya tapi tulus manis dan sederhana. Itu saja… cukup.

Terkenang di bilik jantung, selalu.

Rose-by-aqsahu-Flickr

Priceless as it is. In aeternum.

[OK, ternyata masih banyak yg harus dipelajari. Postingan random isi hati dalam rangka sok puitis dengan penutup one shot banyak kiasan & tanpa fix red thread, selesai sampai di sini ya darls.. :p]

Beautifully Awoken

Bicara tentang suka dan duka, ada hal-hal yang seharusnya bisa dilihat dan dimengerti oleh mata batin ketika mengalami hal macam ini bersamaan.
Some people stay for you only when you are happy, but the most beautiful people stay because you are in difficulties.

Of all things, I find my self beautifully awoken when I still see this people around me.

Not because of who they are but what they do when they see you not in your best.

That of all things, only beautiful people can see the beauty in others.

That of all things too, beautiful people do not just exist, they happen.

Mereka menjadikan suatu kenyataan, bukan menyalahkan atau pun menghakiminya.

The most loyal and beautiful people do stay because you’re not at your best and to see you in your best on your own schedule.

tel jeune amour ~<3

Having some moments of conversation last month with a good friend turned out to reveal another understanding towards such a thing called love. Either a broken hearted story or a reciprocating one, it should do just fine and happen anyway.
Most of people who is incapable of describing usually says “you will know right away when you meet one darling” which I hardly understand since maintaining/staying in love surely need a lot of effort and it is done by choice of true loyalty, not a shallow type of love. A combined renewal and reconciliation done by two persons in loving act towards each other, instead of killing so kind to tell one to go home and giving back the heart that’s on loan (one case that i know of). Maybe you don’t have to smile so sad.

So… Should I use altered perceptions to sag under the weight of an increasingly needs for touchy-feely approach to life, I wonder? Loving every shades of a person is just as wonderful as you just do it consciously, no?
After such years, I find that despite how open, peaceful and loving you attempt to be, people can only meet you as deeply as they’ve met themselves. And it also happen to such a thing called love in any stage of falling in, falling out or staying in it.
Another undeniable fact too, that moving on and letting go are two different things. A lot of people move on WITHOUT letting go. Whether it is consciously or unconsciously triggered, who cares.
Anyone who tries to create or connect love towards an emotionally unaware partner “suffers” during certain situations (bahasa Indonesia-nya : merana). Some may end up emotionally detached facing such reality, killing yourself softly. It is not just a matter of trust anymore, it is a matter of reciprocating in well mannered way (supposedly).
No other emotions seems more mysterious than love (perhaps). At its core, falling in love is driven by our desire for happiness.  Yes yes I know happiness comes in many forms, not just in this love matter, but you do know when you actually crave and need it (in a more specific way).
This movement from reason to reliance on the heart, such moving away from reason towards reward-motivated-pleasure-feeling responses (self justifying, self realizing, self fulfilling and self indulging) just make me questioning my view towards actual love concept itself. It is only when you get out of morass of self indulgence that you may begin to see the error of your heart and all its reasonings.
It’s been quite funny and also entertaining too, discussing such concepts with  a bitter broken heart sarcastic friend saying “Timing is like a bitch Vy!” or a cliche saying “Love always hurt” and I just rolled my eyes, enjoyed laughing so hard together on such bitter babbling.
When you are “lost and found” again, it just made more sense that honestly, timing has a lot to do with everything. Sometimes you aren’t ready for each other yet (or in my friend’s case, never will). It is better not to say things prematurely until you’re sure enough and not giving too much away even when you’re sure enough at the moment.

The same kind of mind struck arise too while accidentally listened to Paloma Faith song, “Only Love Can Hurt Like This”… I can only feel and think the opposite way because a sincere love never suppose to hurt you.
Loneliness hurt. Rejection hurt. Dismissal act hurt. Losing someone hurt. Abandonment hurt. (and your heart cry for it until you reach emotionless state)
You know you don’t want just another passing story in life, but a happy reality.
Most people confuse such hurt with love.
In reality, love covers and heals all kind of pain and make someone feel wonderful again.
In practical way, love is something that never hurt.
I prefer to see these two in different meaning, just to distill it (such a word from a chemist in heart, no?  :p ). Not diffusing it like most people do.
Meanwhile, the only thing I’m committed to right now is bettering myself, and laughing at myself when I feel bad. A mature heart surely know how this should be meant.
Because at the bottom of your heart, you know that you seek for your better half, not just another half.

Happy thursday sweety! Smile happily peeps!
Hopefully i won’t be sleepwalking after spending my sleeping hours during the dawn just to clarify my mind, writing such feelings among the lingering thoughts inside my heart for months, pouring out without interruption by others opinions.

Cheers to such “young” love~♥

Headstuck and Heartstuck <~3

Bad times come in any form and I’ve been under quite some stress for the last 6 months.
I spend my life around 3-6 hours on the road nowadays, receive a lot of arguments and work load from 3 superiors at office. It turned out to be stressful enough for me. It’s been piled up in a very non-condusive situation and non-healthy environment too.
It’s nearly 5 years I’ve been out of comfort zone. I moved out to other city all by myself, have been working as an analyst & consultant in a software company and I kinda hate the job for a while now.

Some people said to me without even understanding the real difficulties in my workfield, “Don’t get easily stressed Evy!”
But the thing is.. I got tired of things I used to love. I mulled over again when this happened.

I know what I want in the next several years but now I’m not sure if this is what I actually want.
There were a few times too when my (old) back pain got worsen due to lack of rest (and yoga) this year. It’s damn painful when the pain strucked suddenly while I can only squeak in silent tears, looking for my pain killer drug in my bag. Low back muscle spasm I had last year turned out to heal very slowly (esp when i only have little time to exercise and having insufficiency of vitamin D3 all this time) and it DOES decrease my focus & concentration in many ways. Some people around me failed to understand that.

In short, this consulting job is draining me slowly and making me more unaware of myself. I get cranky, i get tired easily and I know that I’m going under (emotionally).

I lost interest and i got anxious. I’m having both headstuck and heartstuck in many aspects in life, including love life matter too. I made myself dull on purpose.

Should love make any sense during the dynamic of uncertainty, I wonder? In practical ways, yes it should. But in soul realm, it should not.

Anyway.. Last week was my lowest point.
I came home like a lost puppy on rainy day. Aching and sad.
I opened the door and… oh well, I found my healer resting at home with her grumpy style when she saw me got thinner than the last time we met.

I stopped suffocating at the moment I saw her. I breathed deeply.
She did notice something happen IN me though.
I’m normally ignorant but I have tendency to put things too much on myself in “several cases”.
I can’t help it. It’s just there, entrapped as ever. A closed box without a key. And as usual, she simply cracked me again with no key (or lockpicking me? )

I laid down by her side and said, “Hey Mom.”
Then she put her hand upon my forehead and said, “It’s alright. Now talk.”
She strayed away from conversation at times though (which irritated me since yearsssssss), but it’s okay.
And poof, I only need her hand upon my forehead for 30 minutes to wash away all these messed up feelings. I just miss my mother’s physical touch after all. I long for it. I regain my inner peace at once.

No matter how much you want some certain person in your life, the fact is God only put the people you need first instead of the people you want.

It’s been in the back of my mind too, what if she’s no longer to be around?
What should I do to heal without her help? Without her as my liberation of the heart? Without anyone’s help?
It just takes time to heal yourself, no?

Well.. Apart from all kinds of love that exist (parent’s love, spouse’s love, friend’s love etc)..
The best love is the kind that awakens the soul,
That makes us reach for more,
That plants the fire in our hearts,
And brings peace to our minds.

That’s what I hope forever.